Enjoy,
Kirsten Kristensen 
FAMILIES AND HOW TO SURVIVE THEM
Dear Kirsten!
I would like to express my gratitude and to thank you wholeheartedly for the training in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) that I and others received from you for the last one and half years. A number of topics were spot-on. I realized how much I have been conditioned and affected in my childhood in relation to my First Family. The topic on Families and how to survive them touched me most. The realization that I was born complete like a circle, but later torn apart within me as I grew up in relationships to my First Family helped me greatly.
The influence of my First Family over me blocking one part of me from growing; while the other part grew was a discovery. The presentation of a circle (with dots representing possibilities, quality, characteristics of me with potentiality of development); which is me when I was just born, was helpful. The circle is unevenly divided into two parts by a line. The lower part of the circle with its dots, represent things that were accepted by my First Family from me: kindness, generosity, hardworking, my identity, sharing, helping, sitting well etc. These remained in me, in my consciousness.
The other part of the circle with its dots represents the things my First Family did not accept or approve. These I pushed away to be stored in my unconsciousness: selfishness, aggressiveness, anger, self-expression etc. I remember statements like: “Children do not speak when adults are speaking.” I learnt to not be angry, or express my sentiments. My First Family frowned at my anger, or taking the last chapatti. Hence, I grew up developing what my family appreciated, and I threw away all that my family rejected. I grew up being less than a full person.
Another image of a house representing consciousness and unconsciousness in a person is also helpful. It represents me (my entire entity) but with a stair case, leading down to the basement. The good things my First Family approved of, I put them on the display, on windows like flowers, out in the light facing the street. This is my exhibition of my beautiful part. The flowers were: kindness, calm, helpful, unselfish and supporting others. That is everything my family appreciated and encouraged. This looked good to me and I showed it out to the public.
Though, there are other things that I took away from the window and threw down in the basement. The basement is dark. The corner of the basement is cold; there is no light or ventilation. It is where I stored my anger, fear, self-expression and selfishness etc. This part has been kept out of reach for so long. It is now moldy, rusty and uncomfortable. This part of me never developed. I shudder as I think of going in there. My body trembles. Yet, I cannot live half-life, or on a quarter of my life.
In think that we all have this kind of experience. We push them away in a hidden corner, in our unconsciousness. Yet we do not go down there willingly. Most people do not go in that dark side of their life until they are in crisis. Crisis compels us to go there. Crisis is the trigger to dare enter in one’s unconsciousness.
In fact it is not only life-crisis that can bring me to the basement but sometimes, a relationship may also compel me to go down there by the stair cases to see what I am keeping in the basement. I may not even want to go there alone, because it scares; it is cold, dark, and even uncomfortable. I had always feared to descend down there. Yet I know that any crisis will compel me to go there to bring this slimy creature out in the street and in the sunshine. The urge to survive, the need to make boundaries using my energy, power of anger or self-expression (that I had discarded), are in fact my power, my medicine, my healing.
In regard to the unconsciousness, I have learnt that dreams too can bring to the fore what was buried in the unconsciousness (often they appear in disguised form). In relation to projection, it also dawned upon me that what I say about others (negatively or positively), says more about me more than the others. It is like the index figure that points to the other while the three fingers point to me, accusingly.
I have learnt that to harvest the fruit of projection I have to integrate all these qualities that were cut-off and thrown away, so that I own them. The saying of Carl Jung is spot-on: “All the contents of our unconsciousness are constantly being projected into our surroundings”. Hence, I need to ‘read’ my surroundings to be able to receive my feedback in regard to my unconsciousness.
Finally, I feel that this topic is one of the indicators of the spirituality of NVC. Here we touch the deepest core of humanity and its cry for completion, ‘wholeness’, integrity and healing. I realize why I sometimes fear. I see why I feel unexpressed anger burning within me. I see why I sometimes overwork myself (burn out). I note that the judgments, evaluations, criticisms I make of others (positively or negatively) speak more of me – the slimy creature, than the other. After this experience, I feel empowered and energized. I am creating boundaries and working to bring out this me – slimy creature, into the light. My need for growth, harmony, respect, security, inclusion, self-esteem and intimacy are met.
Thank you Ms. Kirsten Kristensen. I know that within me, I cannot thank you enough. The images and pictures you used to deliver this topic were very helpful and intriguing as well.
Lubega M. Michael (Fr. Priest, PhD Theology).
Moroto, Uganda, East Africa.
